My Hopeless Need to Fix
The other night I was sitting with my teenage daughter.
She felt bored with life, uninspired and unfulfilled.
Hmmm, I nodded… not knowing what to do.
I felt my stomach contracting. My head racing.
I noticed myself wanting to “fix” this problem.
“That couldn’t be… my daughter in pain!”
I started talking about what she could do. “Maybe you could write or paint”, I said. She looked at me and said: “No mum! I do all these things and still it doesn’t help.”
I realised how all of my life I’ve been trying to fix myself. Anything to run away from this painful present moment. The unbearable ache in my stomach, the restlessness inside.
Doing anything but sitting with the discomfort had become my escape.
I saw how I was doing the same with my daughter.
I didn’t want her to feel this pain. I wanted her to feel happy, joyful, inspired and fulfilled.
Because for once I couldn’t bear my own pain of seeing her unhappy.
Now, a few months ago, I finished an intensive 5 month training on conscious parenting so with those teachings in the back of my mind, I knew I had to shift my energy. Instead of coming up with solutions to the “problem” I had to slow down and become quiet.
Bit by bit I was more able to BE there for my daughter while at the same time being in touch with my own discomfort and pain.
A relaxation entered my body, the compulsive need to change her had become less. As I welcomed the pain inside myself, she started to be more open and relaxed. It was as if she felt my acceptance.
Sometimes we have this belief we have to DO DO DO to change things.
We’ve never been taught that creating a silent space for ourselves can shift everything.
There is nothing wrong with feeling off. There is nothing wrong with feeling bored with life, or feeling alone, unfulfilled and uninspired.
It’s the resistance we create towards whatever we feel that perpetuates the pain.
I also noticed in me this old belief that pain is bad.
That pain shouldn’t be here.
Yet, you and I know, pain is the catalyst for growth.
Without it we would never be motivated to look deeper, to find inner strength. We would not be here together on this path of awakening without the suffering we’ve experienced.
Maybe the most important thing (no thing) we can do for ourselves and our children is to finally stop. Take a deep breath and allow the present moment to be what it is.
However messy or joyful, sad or disappointed you may feel. It’s OKAY.
This way we also teach our children to be okay with themselves.
No longer molding themselves to our expectations and needs.
No longer feeling judged and not enough.
Through our acceptance we teach our children there is never anything wrong with them.
Escaping and running from the pain will temporarily make you feel better yet the painful thoughts and feelings will keep haunting you with more intensity and strength.
Don’t be afraid to feel what you feel in the moment. Honour it, give it love and compassion. This way it can be released in its own timing.
May we help our children and future generations to deal with their difficult emotions. May we teach them not to turn away, but face head on the pain inside. This is how, I believe, we can stop the cycle of continuous human suffering.
I’m still stumbling through this process myself yet by learning to sit with the pain, I know it can eventually be transformed.
Life is hard for every single one of us. Know, my dear, you’re not alone and you’re never doing it wrong, never!
Grateful you’re here.
All my love to you and yours.